I Was MAD at God

2017 was by far one of the most difficult years of my life. I suffered an illness that almost killed me, I went through a divorce and I was fired from my job without just cause. During those tumultuous days two things happened. First, my prayer life [which was already on 1,000] exploded into deeper levels. I began to seek God’s face with every bit of my heart. I would normally resort to my own devices to deal with the trials of life and then ask God to help with the things I couldn’t handle myself. Second, God spoke to me and told me to write a book exposing the sexual sins of my past (including the sexual trauma of molestation and rape) and how he delivered me from the prison of my past through repentance and forgiveness. I admit, I threw a bit of a hissy fit when he first asked but in less than a few moments of tantrum, I willingly obeyed God with the hopes that my story would help another soul get set free.

So here I am after doing what the Lord asked me to do, completely trusting Him to keep His word, and at the end of the year I find myself alone (not lonely), unemployed and facing what looks like homelessness all over again. And to be honest, if I knew beforehand this was how my life was going to turn out after listening to God, I wouldn’t have done it. I mean obedience is better than sacrifice, right? Isn’t that what 1 Samuel 15:22 tells us? It seems more like obedience LEADS to sacrifice and I have sacrificed enough in my life time. At that moment, Holy Spirit reminded me of Jesus’ baptism and how immediately after Holy Spirit drove or forced Jesus to the wilderness (Matt 4:1). Of course, I had a rebuttal. Jesus was in the wilderness 40 days, I’ve been in this wilderness 365 days! So now what? What happened to Jesus coming to give me life and life more abundantly (John 10:10)? This doesn’t feel like the kind of abundance I want!

I angrily asked God, “Why would You allow me to go through all the hell I’m going through AFTER I was willingly obedient to You.” “You say in the Deuteronomy 28:2, ‘And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the Lord your God:” “Lord, I’m not feeling blessed in the field nor the city. I’m feeling broken!” “You already had one Job and he passed the test, you don’t need another.” “Father, I am angry with you!”

(Note 1: Have you ever heard someone say, “Don’t question God?” They were WRONG! God can handle your questions so ask away! Besides, He already knows what you’re thinking and feeling. What He doesn’t want you to do question is His heart and unconditional love towards you. There’s a difference!) (Note 2: I have always been spoiled in the natural and in the Spirit. Both my earthly father and my heavenly Father will cave in, if I pout. Also, my relationship with God is very close. I am 100% myself with Him. He gets the good, bad, beautiful and UGLY Kelli; all with the same fervor which is what makes our bond so beautiful! I wouldn’t serve a God, I have to pretend with. I give Him my brokenness and he puts me right back together.)

Okay, moving on... After my rant, here’s what the Lord said to me:

“Kelli when you sought after Me and did everything I asked you to do with your whole heart I was so pleased, because that was the sign you are finally ready to receive what I have been wanting to give you for so long and you’re ready to go where I am going to take you.

The trials you are facing now were MEANT TO BREAK YOU but never to harm. I would never allow something to hurt you that wouldn’t ultimately help you. I’m going to keep my word, all of this will work together for your good. I promise.

Kelli, I had to break you because when you were broken in the past, you took matters into your own hands in order to facilitate your own healing and you did in fact heal, but you healed incorrectly. So just like a broken bone that heals incorrectly, I had to break you again so that I could properly realign and reset your life to ensure you heal the right way this time. If I left you in the state you were in, your misaligned spirit would have prevented proper growth in certain areas of your life which would have precluded me from using you to impact the Kingdom.

I know you’re feeling stuck right now and the reason for that is, your life is in a spiritual body cast right now, and casts are meant to purposely immobilize and restrain movement. One wrong move could cause serious damage, even more pain, and prolong the healing process. There’s nothing anyone else can do to speed up or help with your healing. It’s just going to take time. If I remove your cast prematurely, I put you at risk of re-injury and improper healing again; I cannot allow that. What I have for you and where I am taking you requires you to be in the best possible condition.

Kelli, my love for you is unlimited!! My desire is to prosper you and not to harm you. I know sometimes it feels like I have walked away from you and that I don’t care about what you’re going through. Trust me, that’s not the case. I’m right here with you and I know exactly what is happening in your life. My love is strong enough to hurt you when you need it to save you from yourself, but gentle enough to heal you.

Hold on my child, the cast is almost ready to come off!”

With tear drenched cheeks I told God, “Thank you for breaking me.”